I’m not ready to give up.
See, my wife wants a divorce. I can’t really blame her. I haven’t been there emotionally for her. For anyone really. I’ve been shut off, closed up, and isolated myself over the past few years. So she has looked elsewhere. She has found other people to connect with emotionally, people that aren’t me. Like the man she is talking to now, the man that is not me.
So, she wants a divorce. She wants to move on, to find someone else. Maybe she has already found that someone else. Either way, she is ready for something different, something not me.
Something finally clicked inside my head and heart recently. Maybe it was the reality of losing her. Maybe it was the medication and therapy finally pulling me out of an ongoing depression. Maybe I just grew up all of a sudden. Probably is a combination of things. Whatever it is, it clicked and I knew how I had to change, what I had to do, who I need to be to be a good husband, one who is emotionally supportive, emotionally there.
The problem is that this all clicked into place too late. She is ready to move on, and I am finally capable of changing my ways, of opening my heart, of being a friend to my wife. I’m not ready to give up on us. She is trying to move on. It’s a shitty place to be in, but here we are.
This whole divorce thing is ugly anyways. I mean, even on the friendliest of terms it’s ripping apart a relationship that is close, intimate, special. It’s not like we are fighting all the time. Mostly, we are friendly with each other. We both still love the other person, it’s just that love alone was never enough. A divorce wouldn’t be a drag out fight between us or anything. Still, it hurts like a motherfucker.
It’s tearing me apart. See, I want Sarah to be happy. I really do. I want her to have what she needs, to be emotionally connected with someone she loves. I want good things for her. At the same time, I believe I can be a good thing for her. I believe I can be different. I’ve already begun changing my ways. I’m opening up, talking to her, sharing about my life. I’ve been trying to appreciate her for her, not just what she does for the family, for me. I’m trying to connect emotionally with the one person I am in love with.
I question if she is still is in love with me. I know she loves me, but I fear she fell out of love long ago. I’m afraid, so afraid, that there is nothing I can do to win her heart back. I’m afraid this is all too little too late. I’m afraid that I have squandered years of marriage, years that I could have done something.
It’s really going to take a miracle for us to stay together.
The thing is, I do believe in miracles. I believe in God’s intervention in human affairs. I believe that somehow, someway we can be together and be happy together. I believe, I hope, I desperately pray.
I know it’s more than simply being different at this point. It’s about making up for the hurt I’ve caused, making up for the time I’ve lost. It’s not enough to simply do better. I have to work to bring healing and restoration where I can. If we are going to be together anymore, it’s going to take lots of work and time.
It’s also going to take some healing on my part. There have been things said over the course of our marriage that have hurt me deeply, criticisms that have wounded and scarred. Things have happened that I need to heal from, that I need to process and move on from. Healing has to be on both sides if our marriage is to last.
But I believe healing can come. The only prayer on my lips these days is simple. “Jesus, reconcile and restore.” I don’t know what else to say, what else to pray. If it’s going to take a miracle, then I pray for a miracle. I pray that we can be made right with each other. I pray that healing and restoration of lost time. I’m not a “name it claim it” kind of believer, but there are verses in the bible about God redeeming the years stolen by locusts and the enemy. I am choosing to believe that God can redeem time that I have squandered, wasted, and stolen from our marriage.
I’m not ready to give up. I may be too late, and this whole hope for change may be naive, but I have to try. I have to because I love her.
Ultimately, I have to prepare my heart that this may not end the way I would like it to. It hurts to think about. It hurts deeply, but that is a reality I have to face, a reality I have to be prepared for. I mean, I want Sarah to be happy, and if she truly can’t be happy with me then I have to let her go. It’s too much to think about right now, but still it lingers at the edges.
This whole thing is ugly, hurtful, and pain ridden. There is no easy way to talk about this, to think about it, or to go through it. But we both have to go through this time, whatever the outcome. These days, I hurt. I’ve been drinking too much to numb the pain. I don’t know how to navigate how much this hurts. But I have to find my way, for the sake of our marriage I have to find my way through the fog of uncertainty and pain and become the husband I should have been years ago.
I don’t know how this story is going to turn out. I don’t know if a miracle is going to happen or not. There is so much that I don’t know. I know I have to try. I know I’m not ready to give up. I know I believe we can be happy and good together. I have to hold onto that hope these days.