doing, having, discipleship, and hope

I’m good at ideas. I can play with ‘em, deconstruct ‘em, pull ‘em, turn ‘em, put ‘em back together, restructure, rephrase, rethink and re-understand them. I’m comfortable in the abstract.

Theology comes natural to me, at least the part of theology that deals with Ideas. It’s been a safe have, a shelter, a buffer for me.

Bob’s post on Duel Relationships got me thinking, and here’s where I’ve ended up for now:

Relationships are hard for me.

Or, more specifically, I can have relationships, but I am no good at doing relationships.

This is actually hard for me to say/think through because… well, there are a few reasons:

1. I don’t like talking about my real fears. They are scary, and usually-all-the-time tied to deep hurts and wounds I’ve tried to get over, bury, and/or ignore for a long time now.
2. I hate reeling like I’m being self indulgent. There’s allot of reasons for this… and they all boil down to this: I am contently questioning my worth and value. I spend most of my time around people silently begging them to tell me something good about/in me. I’m smart, funny, deep, insightful, full of good ideas… why can’t thy see it? Maybe it’s because I’m not as valuable as I hope I am. Most times, I feel worthless and don’t really think I have anything good to offer people, so why should I talk about my self or spend time thinking about me. I reason, nothing good can come of it, and people will only roll there eyes and finally see how self inflated and empty I really am.
3. This is such a tangled issue, so knotted up, I don’t know if I can ever make sense of it, ever hope for resolution and change. I get lost easily and give up. I can’t master this, I can’t figure it out, I can’t solve it and if I can’t that means I need help, and asking for help is hard. The bigger the need, the harder it is for me to ask. Asking in this area seems impossible.

That last part brings me back to the difference in having relationships and doing relationships.

Doing relationships, in my head at least, is all about setting rules: boundaries of conversation, the ritual of getting together, where you get together, what goes on, etc… As long as the rules are kept, everything is ok… static, but ok. I quickly run out of things to say, so we talk about the same ole, same ole, cause it’s safe.

It’s a place I can get to with anyone.

But… having relationships is different. To have a relationship I have to let someone care, let someone in to my real mess, I have to risk there dismissal, there judgment, misunderstanding, there decision about me.

Freaks me the hell out.

To have a relationship, I have to make room for them to give, room for them to do things for me, room for them to value me for what/everything I really am.

To have a relationship, I have to receive, not just give.

I mentioned my habit/tendency to draw boundaries in relationships, lines to keep me safe. Usually, a safe zone for me is giving/doing. I know this sounds odd, and maybe I’m wrong. Maybe giving can’t be a way to keep people at a distance. But, in my life I see that it is. It’s my say of never letting people see my need. I’m telling/showing people, “I’m strong. I’m reliable. I’m generous. I’m smart. See, you can lean on me.”

Once again, I am screaming for people to recognize my worth. And, if I have needs, it must diminish my value, right?

So I give: insight, advice, counsel, activity… I just keep moving hoping no one sees how screwed up I feel/am.

At heart, this is a gospel issue. I’m trying to justify myself before men and women… I’m trying to prove I don’t need that deep, life changing, restorative salvation. It’s in me that somehow if I need it, I’m letting people down… I’m devalued… I’m a failure.

This lie has bewitched me, and brought about my self defeating roadblocks to discipleship.

See, I think I can disciple people, but really all I can do is discuss ideas and impart thoughts, doctrine, and theology. This isn’t bad, and it’s part of discipleship… but only part. The stuff I can’t give is the stuff I need: how to have good relationships with God and with the body of Christ. I don’t know how to be a holistic part of the people of God because I keep people at arms length so they don’t see my need of gospel.

In other words, I don’t know how to have Christian friends who help my walk by being what I need (accountability, strength, acceptance, challenge, companionship…). Since I keep them apart from me, I’m not a part of there walk either… I’m not really in fellowship.

I’ve blamed this situation on the “evangelical Church structure and attitude” for along time, but now that I’m part of an emerging community, I see the same things starting. It’s not someone or something else’s fault. It’s my need.

I am needy.

I want to be a part of seeing Christian communities form and grow. I want to disciple, spiritually direct, and pastor individuals and groups. I can’t do that if I don’t learn to let some people on, risk them seeing my mess and trusting that maybe they can be God’s agents of transforming grace in/to me.

But, I don’t know how to ask for this help. Hell, I’m not even sure I know what I’m asking for. It’s seems hopeless.

Still…

I’m posting this for people to see, some of whole I want to learn to let in. Maybe this is a step in, further leaning in to Gospel and the Church…

I can hope.