weight, passion, celebration
A reflection on my life; a rendering of Psalm 20.
Yahweh (I AM) give answer to you in the pressure of adversity; in him self, the divine ruling judge (God) of Jacob place you safe and far above, out of reach of your adversity!
The past few years have been tough. Don’t get me wrong, there have been good times in them. I mean, what is better than getting married to the woman you love and having a beautiful son together? Not much, let me tell you.
Even with the good though, things have been tough. Right after Sarah and I got married, I was fired from my job. That sort of kicked off a “one bad thing after another” occurring. We have had financial troubles, emotional hurts and hardships, medical issues, room mates flaking on us, family hurts, car repossessions… Through it all, we have had friends and some family that have encouraged us, provided for us, stepped in to help us; we have been loved. Yet, even with all the love we have been given, it feels like life has slowly been piling bad things on our heads, one thing after another after another after another.
I know every one has problems, and I know that it could always be worse (at least we aren’t on fire, am I right!). I also know that some of our problems have been our own fault. I am the first to admit that. But, our problems are ours, and we feel the weight of them. We are in a hard situation. As of right now, my wife and son are in Utah with family while I am in Oregon, we don’t have a permanent place to live, I’m without income, and due to some legality issues, I was unable to move to Utah to be with my family this past weekend.
The flavor of these past few years has been hard, and it just seems to be getting harder.
May he send out help to you from his place of otherness; from his city may he strengthen and give to you support in nourishment! May he recall the tributes and offerings that you have given; may he find pleasure and grow fat from your burnt sacrifice! (wait… think… stay in this)
Yes, life has been -is- hard; yes, the pressure -the weight- feels too much… but still I believe in goodness. I still believe that somehow God brings goodness and help. As I’ve mentioned, we have experienced that good help through the love and resources given to us by friends and family.
Even more than that, there is still good to be found in the midst of the hard weight.
When my son was born… I can’t begin to express the true happiness and unbridled joy I have in him. The nights spent with my wife, talking, hoping, believing that things will not always be this way.
Sometimes, I have a small view of help and rescue. Sometimes I expect that only at the end of everything, only when the perfect comes, will I -we- experience rescue. Sometimes I think it’s only going to be shit until then. How short sighted I am.
I forget how I have seen good show up, how help comes in unexpected ways, how life finds a way… even if it’s just through the cracks in the sidewalk life is nourished and grows. Sometimes Most times I forget that God has not forgotten about me and my family. He hasn’t forgotten that we want to trust, that we have given ourselves into his care because we can’t care for ourselves very well. He hasn’t forgotten that I have served him, that I want to give the best t him (even though I don’t have the best to give).
He remembers.
May God put you in what you desire from your inmost being; may he bring all your whole purposes to fulfillment!
He remembers, but I forget. I forget what I am passionate about. I forget what I care about. I forget the dreams and longings I have.
When I was in my early twenties, people would ask me what I wanted to do with my life. My answer was always, “change the world.” Yes, it is a bit of a grandiose and idealistic statement… but I wanted to do it. I knew I had something to offer that mattered and that would have an effect on people.
Now, I just want to survive.
It is as if all the pressure of hard times and all the struggling to make things work and all the disappointment in life not working have some how squeezed out my dreams, somehow snuffed out the longings I used to have.
I wanted to write books. I wanted to plant Christian communities. I wanted to help people know and deeply love Jesus and love the people around them. I wanted to write poetry, sing new songs (loudly), preach gospel creatively… These days I don’t even sing along to songs on the radio. These days I think far too often, “if only i was like them…” These days…
But deep down, in that hidden corner, in that place where dreams come from… in my innermost self I want to thrive.
I want my family to flourish with generously. I want my wife to know her value, worth, and her skill. I want my son to grow up healthy, whole, and happy. I want to be alive with my family. I want to do those crazy things I used to dream about.
I really do.
The pressure flairs up and I start thinking about money, how it is what makes this world go around and that without it I can’t get buy, let alone thrive. How do I care for my family if I am just chasing some idealistic dream? I lose my keys, forget to pay bills, scramble and pray to find jobs… How can I ever do things great like those dreams? I’m not that important.
I push those dreams aside and get on with existing… I forget.
But God reminds me. Over and over. Maybe the reason nothing has worked out is that I’m not doing, living, being what I was meant to be… maybe I don’t really believe that I am meant to be more than this.
Then all people will cry out, over come because you have been greatly, victoriously saved; all of us will celebrate because of the the divine ruling judge (God)! Let Yahweh (I AM) place you in everything you ask!
Maybe life is suppose to be different. Maybe life is to be a celebration of the good, a party of grace. Maybe we -I- should expect that we are made for the dreams we have hidden away. We -I- am made to do those crazy, idealistic, burning in my soul kind of things that really make us imagine that we can thrive.
Maybe we were meant to really celebrate seeing the things we are passionate about come into reality and begin to change the world.
Now I know with assurance that Yawheh (I AM) has salvation for his anointed one; he will send out help from his place of heavenly otherness and deliverance, and show his strong arm that can do salvation. Some trust in teams of strong riders and others in the fast horses but we recall and remember Yahweh (I AM) our divine ruling judge. They will be cast down, but we will rise.
“Plan B” is a phrase I have heard allot of lately. Life doesn’t go the way we planed so we get a new plan. Plan B is not a secondary, not “quite the best” attempt at a fix. It’s not a “I guess this could work”.
Plan B is our -my- rise. Our belief that these dreams and passions matter enough to be celebrated. Our belief that we are valuable enough to be given dreams, cares, ideals. Plan B is God’s voice echoing in my soul and mind, “This can be done; you can THRIVE! There is still a way to celebrate your dream come true.”
So, now I remember… I remember God, Jesus, Holy Spirit… how he shows up and does crazy things like turning water to wine, making a sheep herder a king, comforting those who morn, sharing a table with whores, giving an old man and old woman a baby, loving us screwed up humans with a never-ending-never-giving-up-always-there love…
I will recall… Oh heart, remember…
Give saving deliverance Yahweh (I AM); let the king respond in the day we call.
+Amen+
It aint great to be crazy
On Saturday (June 17th) I took my last foreseeable dose of Effexor, which I take for my bipolarII condition. There is a process your body goes through when getting on a medication to stabilize your mood. The same holds true when getting off of one. Please note, I did taper my dosage when I knew I would have to be getting off. Effexor is one of the medications that it is never a good idea to just stop taking. That leads to bad things in your head.
Here is what I’m feeling today:
- My brain is too big for my head. My thoughts seem right now to be swirling and large, unable to be contained by the size of my skull. This is probably the onset of a good session of hypo-mania. In addition to a metaphysical big brain, there are waves of pressure that feel… odd. No pain, just a sensation of pressure starting at my head and washing over my whole body. It makes me feel as if physically my brain is too big for my head.
- It feels like the ocean sounds. So you know that “whoooshhhhhh” sound you hear when your at the ocean or holding a sea shell or cup up to your ear. Ya, my whole body feels like that sounds today. It’s an ebb and flow of nerve endings exploding with feeling and then it recedes. Also, my ears keep ringing off and on. And, I know this sounds crazy (HA!) but when I close my eyes and move my eyes, I can hear them move. Makes falling asleep an… interesting experience.
Basically, I’m recording what’s going on with me as I get off Effexor so that people will know what it’s like: medication effects, mood disorders, the whole deal. It is hard to put this stuff into words. It’s physical sensations, experiences, and emotions happening all over the place all at once. It’s not just some overly emotional state that someone needs to pull together. It’s rough. It’s hard. It makes you feel like you are insane. To devalue that is to tell me that I am even more crazy than I feel.
So, who in your life do you know that deals with a mood disorder and/or medication side effects? Will you take the time to listen to what a day is like for them? No comments, no explanations, no disbelief. Just listen to their words and phrases, no matter how crazy or unbelievable you think it sounds. Listen and let them know that you believe them (even when you don’t understand or relate to them) and you care about them (even when there is nothing you can do for them). Your presence and the space you make for them speaks volumes.
He is With Me
I can’t lead a life where I have all my shit together; I’m too broken for that. The good news of Gospel tells me that I don’t have to because Jesus did.
That can sound like a cop out, just another excuse and crutch to lean on so that I’m not responsible for my own life. Tonight for me, it’s the exact opposite. Instead of a crutch it’s a lifeline away from despair and giving up.
See, right now I’m not in the best place. My life seems to be filled with potholes, failures, struggles, and defeat. If that’s too vague, here is a rundown: As a family we have dad (me) who is bipolar II with currently no way of getting the medication I have been on, and mom (my wife) who deals with severe anxiety/depression. We are a two income household: I’m a server at a local german restaurant and work as a freelance photographer/designer. Right now, we don’t really have the income to cover rent and living expenses. We are trying to move into a more affordable location, but moving is expensive… and we still need to cover rent where we are at.
It seems/feels like every time we try and get our life in order, an ambush of problems jumps us in a dark alley. Life is hard right now, both from poor choices we have made and from some pretty crappy circumstances. So, when I say, “life seems to be filled with potholes, failures, struggles, and defeat” I’m not talking metaphorically or ‘we can’t afford the good cable package or that new car’.
As a family, we are living in the midst of a very tangible expression of the brokeness that pervades our world; we are experiencing hard living in a sinful, fallen world. Yes, others have it harder than we do… still don’t change the fact that life is uber hard for us.
So, what does the life of some Jewish carpenter turned traveling teacher have to do with the shit storm that we are in?
Everything.
The tendency of my life is to see all these things going on and react one of two ways: 1) I can fix it. I can work harder, pull my shit together, and make this situation good. I can save us. 2) I give up. There is no hope of solving all these problems. I just hope something good happens some time. So, on the one hand, I try and save myself (and my family) and on the other I give up and resign us all to fate.
Jesus gives us a third way, a better way, a way that leads to life.
Part of the core of Christian belief is that Jesus lived a perfect life. He didn’t screw himself or others up. He led the kind of life that we can only imagine; a life that dealt with pain and suffering by giving compassion; a life that didn’t condescend to bitching about how much stuff sucked; a life that was in perfect harmony with creation, man, and God. Jesus lived the life that I want, the life I can’t ever have on my own because I am broken. Jesus wasn’t broken.
Since Jesus lived the perfect life, when he died in an unjust execution, he became the perfect sacrifice to cover over all my (and your) faults and failings. Three days later, he got up from the dead, declaring the last great enemy of life to be defeated. Then (and here is the part that I’m thinking about tonight) he offered to let his life stand before God in place of mine. So, instead of a screwed up, broken mess, God sees the perfect life of Jesus when he looks at me.
This is good news to me because it means that I don’t have to get my shit together and figure out my life on my own before God will love and embrace me.
What does it mean for me to not have to earn God’s love? It means that now, in the midst of the crap of life (both crap I’ve caused and crap that is piled on) I have the greatest being in all existence on my side. I am free to try and work harder, to solve our problems, to move towards healing and health… with God on my side.
Things don’t magically get better when we begin to believe the hope Jesus offers us. God is in the business of making us fully human, perfectly fit for a perfect creation. The biggest way he does that is by using the shit in life to refine and form us into who we are truly meant to be. I don’t know why he does it this way, but I know he is for me, on my side; I know he loves me no matter how bad things get.
I can learn to do better; I can make better situations; I can begin to accept the things I can’t change; I can learn the wisdom to know what’s mine to work on and what isn’t. I can do all these things with what vigor and strength I have because I’m not working to impress people or God. I can do these things because Jesus gives me his life as he walks beside me in mine.
Father, Husband, Theological Dreamer, Web Designer, Photographer, Coffee Chugger... Jesus obsessed & dreaming of a better Christianity. It's kind of like listening to a cross between guerrilla radio and a street corner prophet with a bad case of tourettes.
