Christ in you, the hope of glory
I wonder what people see when they meet me. What are the first impressions that turn out true? What surprises people? What do they leave thinking and assuming about my personal, my life?
Earlier this week, my family had a couple of people stay a few nights with us. I would like to think that these people have become some new friends. They were nice, gracious guests… and I find my self so insecure about what they left thinking about me. It’s really a baseless insecurity, but it’s there.
At work, I just got moved to a new team with a new supervisor. So what do people think of this new guy? Is my supervisor looking forward to having me, or am I an expected burden? Again, all groundless insecurities but still there they are.
My overall desire is that people will end up glad they met me. If I’m honest, I do have good things to offer… but that’s not what I want people to be glad about. I would really like to be respected and someone people want to work with… but that’s not why I want people to be around me. Don’t get me wrong, I want people to like being around me because they think I’m great, full of great ideas and awesome things to offer others. Heck, if I’m honest (again) I can see that I’m a prideful ass in most of my grabs at attention. “Look at my and how great I am… VALIDATE ME!” Even though this arrogant pride is there, at my core I want people to think well of me for another reason.
As church cliché as it sounds, I want people to see Jesus in me. At the very least, I want them to see someone who longs for Jesus because I know that without him I really am full of bullshit and amount to nothing. I don’t want people to feel evangelized to after meeting me. I don’t want people to feel bludgeoned over the head with Church. I don’t want people to feel weird because I’m obsessed with Jesus. I want people to intersect with me and leave thinking more about Jesus, questioning more, wanting to be like Jesus because they met someone who wants to be like Jesus. I don’t want to be a Jesus douche, but I do want to be a witness with my being… a witness to the hope of humanity… a witness to love.
So, I think about my new friends, about my new team at work, about the people I share life with, my old friends, the people I don’t talk to enough, the people in our church community… I wonder what they think about me. Do they think about Jesus because of me?
Old ink in a leather case.
I was looking for something today, and I came upon some old notes of mine. Crammed into this leather notebook were old thoughts I had about God, the bible, church, and ultimately my self.
At the top of the papers, I found my old “manifesto” about a way of planting and doing church. I called it “the scatter church”.
I was a sort of intern at an EFCA church around the age of 20. Mostly, I did stuff with the youth group, some teaching, leading music, hanging out with a bunch of junior high boys. Once a week or so, a couple of us young adults would sit around with the pastor and talk about stuff. We worked through some books, talked through some scripture. It was an experiment for us and for him. I ended up being friends with the pastor for a long while. I used to bug him with questions about theology and scripture on a fairly regular basis. We still chat on Facebook once in a while. Good guy.
Around this time, he asked one of the most formative questions to the shape of my spirituality:
If you could make a church, what would it look like?
This one question has haunted me, pushed me to re-think spiritual communities, forced me into a constant critique of American church in general, made me dissatisfied with my own answers, and generally put a hunger in me to see the kind of Christian community I want to be part of grow somewhere. The core of this manifesto has actually stuck with me over these years, calling out to me, urging me to dream of a better life of faith. In my bones, still I want to see this kind of community real and alive.
Years ago (before it was hip to be missional and authentic), if you wanted to succeed in the church you had to create a mission and/or vision statement; something that gave definition and meaning to your actions, direction to your steps, and something that others could read and “get” you. This was the defining document about what you felt God had created and called you to do.
I found my old mission/vision statement in this notebook. I’m gonna share it here. Judge as you will.
In full and utter dependence on the one true God, I will pro-actively impact my culture with the true Gospel of the love and grace of God the Father (made fully and ultimately known in God the Son, Jesus the Christ) and the abundant life that God the Spirit lavishes on me as he dwells in me. All the while, I shall never give up my pursuit of the depths of God with live changing study, prayer, and worship.
I long to see all humanity full of the Spirit and in search of God’s depths, so I will personally introduce people to jesus on their personal level. I will disciple believers that they in turn may impact their culture, pursue the depths of God, introduce others to Jesus, and lead people in discipleship.
To this mission I recklessly devote my all to, counting myself as a sacrifice, crucified with Christ that he may now live abundantly in me. By doing this I hope to bring a smile to my heavenly Father’s face as I try to be his glory.
Funny, as I read it now I realize that it really is me. This is what I’m about, my heart. The words I choose and the way I may articulate things may have changed over this last decade, but the heart beat is still the same. Is it weird that part of me feels embarrassed to admit that? The enthusiasm, the determination to change the world, the youth captured in those words… part of me is far too cynical these days.
The rest of the notebook has various notes: a Bible studies on 1 and 2 Peter, a 21 page commentary on the first 17 verses in Romans, re-thinking Revelation 1-3 as a the key to understanding the book, thoughts about a church plant I was part of, and a bunch of notes about the hope of salvation. Pretty much a written snap shot of my life at the time. The bible fascinated me. I wanted to get it and help other get it better. Still do.
It’s crazy to come across something from a time in my life that feels so far removed from now. My life was so very different back then. Part time jobs, hours spent studying, dreams and no compromise. I was a coffee fueled dreamer. Still am in many ways.
I am glad to find that I haven’t change too much in these past 10 years. Sometimes I worry that my dreams are fading out. I worry that my heart isn’t in it any more, that life is just going along. Sometimes I need a reminder that I still dream the same dreams. Sometimes I need a reminder that my dreams aren’t crazy, they can last over time. Sometimes I need a reminder that I can think thoughts that will impact my life 10, 20, 50 years down the way. Sometimes I need a reminder about what I love, what makes my blood pump and my breath heavy. Sometimes I need a reminder.
weight, passion, celebration
A reflection on my life; a rendering of Psalm 20.
Yahweh (I AM) give answer to you in the pressure of adversity; in him self, the divine ruling judge (God) of Jacob place you safe and far above, out of reach of your adversity!
The past few years have been tough. Don’t get me wrong, there have been good times in them. I mean, what is better than getting married to the woman you love and having a beautiful son together? Not much, let me tell you.
Even with the good though, things have been tough. Right after Sarah and I got married, I was fired from my job. That sort of kicked off a “one bad thing after another” occurring. We have had financial troubles, emotional hurts and hardships, medical issues, room mates flaking on us, family hurts, car repossessions… Through it all, we have had friends and some family that have encouraged us, provided for us, stepped in to help us; we have been loved. Yet, even with all the love we have been given, it feels like life has slowly been piling bad things on our heads, one thing after another after another after another.
I know every one has problems, and I know that it could always be worse (at least we aren’t on fire, am I right!). I also know that some of our problems have been our own fault. I am the first to admit that. But, our problems are ours, and we feel the weight of them. We are in a hard situation. As of right now, my wife and son are in Utah with family while I am in Oregon, we don’t have a permanent place to live, I’m without income, and due to some legality issues, I was unable to move to Utah to be with my family this past weekend.
The flavor of these past few years has been hard, and it just seems to be getting harder.
May he send out help to you from his place of otherness; from his city may he strengthen and give to you support in nourishment! May he recall the tributes and offerings that you have given; may he find pleasure and grow fat from your burnt sacrifice! (wait… think… stay in this)
Yes, life has been -is- hard; yes, the pressure -the weight- feels too much… but still I believe in goodness. I still believe that somehow God brings goodness and help. As I’ve mentioned, we have experienced that good help through the love and resources given to us by friends and family.
Even more than that, there is still good to be found in the midst of the hard weight.
When my son was born… I can’t begin to express the true happiness and unbridled joy I have in him. The nights spent with my wife, talking, hoping, believing that things will not always be this way.
Sometimes, I have a small view of help and rescue. Sometimes I expect that only at the end of everything, only when the perfect comes, will I -we- experience rescue. Sometimes I think it’s only going to be shit until then. How short sighted I am.
I forget how I have seen good show up, how help comes in unexpected ways, how life finds a way… even if it’s just through the cracks in the sidewalk life is nourished and grows. Sometimes Most times I forget that God has not forgotten about me and my family. He hasn’t forgotten that we want to trust, that we have given ourselves into his care because we can’t care for ourselves very well. He hasn’t forgotten that I have served him, that I want to give the best t him (even though I don’t have the best to give).
He remembers.
May God put you in what you desire from your inmost being; may he bring all your whole purposes to fulfillment!
He remembers, but I forget. I forget what I am passionate about. I forget what I care about. I forget the dreams and longings I have.
When I was in my early twenties, people would ask me what I wanted to do with my life. My answer was always, “change the world.” Yes, it is a bit of a grandiose and idealistic statement… but I wanted to do it. I knew I had something to offer that mattered and that would have an effect on people.
Now, I just want to survive.
It is as if all the pressure of hard times and all the struggling to make things work and all the disappointment in life not working have some how squeezed out my dreams, somehow snuffed out the longings I used to have.
I wanted to write books. I wanted to plant Christian communities. I wanted to help people know and deeply love Jesus and love the people around them. I wanted to write poetry, sing new songs (loudly), preach gospel creatively… These days I don’t even sing along to songs on the radio. These days I think far too often, “if only i was like them…” These days…
But deep down, in that hidden corner, in that place where dreams come from… in my innermost self I want to thrive.
I want my family to flourish with generously. I want my wife to know her value, worth, and her skill. I want my son to grow up healthy, whole, and happy. I want to be alive with my family. I want to do those crazy things I used to dream about.
I really do.
The pressure flairs up and I start thinking about money, how it is what makes this world go around and that without it I can’t get buy, let alone thrive. How do I care for my family if I am just chasing some idealistic dream? I lose my keys, forget to pay bills, scramble and pray to find jobs… How can I ever do things great like those dreams? I’m not that important.
I push those dreams aside and get on with existing… I forget.
But God reminds me. Over and over. Maybe the reason nothing has worked out is that I’m not doing, living, being what I was meant to be… maybe I don’t really believe that I am meant to be more than this.
Then all people will cry out, over come because you have been greatly, victoriously saved; all of us will celebrate because of the the divine ruling judge (God)! Let Yahweh (I AM) place you in everything you ask!
Maybe life is suppose to be different. Maybe life is to be a celebration of the good, a party of grace. Maybe we -I- should expect that we are made for the dreams we have hidden away. We -I- am made to do those crazy, idealistic, burning in my soul kind of things that really make us imagine that we can thrive.
Maybe we were meant to really celebrate seeing the things we are passionate about come into reality and begin to change the world.
Now I know with assurance that Yawheh (I AM) has salvation for his anointed one; he will send out help from his place of heavenly otherness and deliverance, and show his strong arm that can do salvation. Some trust in teams of strong riders and others in the fast horses but we recall and remember Yahweh (I AM) our divine ruling judge. They will be cast down, but we will rise.
“Plan B” is a phrase I have heard allot of lately. Life doesn’t go the way we planed so we get a new plan. Plan B is not a secondary, not “quite the best” attempt at a fix. It’s not a “I guess this could work”.
Plan B is our -my- rise. Our belief that these dreams and passions matter enough to be celebrated. Our belief that we are valuable enough to be given dreams, cares, ideals. Plan B is God’s voice echoing in my soul and mind, “This can be done; you can THRIVE! There is still a way to celebrate your dream come true.”
So, now I remember… I remember God, Jesus, Holy Spirit… how he shows up and does crazy things like turning water to wine, making a sheep herder a king, comforting those who morn, sharing a table with whores, giving an old man and old woman a baby, loving us screwed up humans with a never-ending-never-giving-up-always-there love…
I will recall… Oh heart, remember…
Give saving deliverance Yahweh (I AM); let the king respond in the day we call.
+Amen+
Father, Husband, Theological Dreamer, Web Designer, Photographer, Coffee Chugger... It's kind of like listening to a cross between guerrilla radio and a street corner prophet with a bad case of tourettes.
