Antilove

There are twenty four hours in every day. It has been this way for as long as the earth has revolved round the sun. Never has there been more time, and never will there be less. This is what humanity has had to work with, and our task has been to accomplish things within this day long period. But I am bad at using days. I spend too much time convincing my self that I should go and get something done. And I believe my self, but I need to finish this T.V. program first. I rationalize, excuse, and in the end waste day after day after day. It’s called apathy, and I would define it as the opposite of love.

I Corinthians 13.4-7 “Love is patient, love is kind, it is not envious. Love does not brag, it is not puffed up. It is not rude, it is not self-serving, it is not easily angered or resentful. It is not glad about injustice, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Love is something foreign to me and my natural state of existence… I am too easily fooled by sex and drink and my life too quickly becomes content making mud-pies in the gutter because I have no idea what a holiday at sea is like. I don’t even try to look beyond, because I would miss my T.V. program (which I really don’t like anyways!). Distraction is not even the problem; the root of my problem is that I don’t even try.

All this leads me to a place of despair, a place I am familiar with, and (ironically enough) usually leads to more of the apathetic behavior that spawns this downward fall into the abyss of helplessness, depression, and hypocrisy. But their has to be a way out, there has to be something that can awaken the drive in me to want to move beyond all this lethargy and useless non-motion!

Psalm 51.10-12 “Create for me a pure heart! Transform me and give me integrity! Do not reject me! Do not take your Holy Spirit away from me! Let me again experience the joy of your deliverance! Sustain me by giving me the desire to obey!”

But why should God answer my prayer, after all I am the one who is just sitting around like a bump on a log. I am the one who constantly chooses to not spend time with Him. I am the one who can’t even want enough to get up off my couch and act in some way shape or form! Why should God give me a “steadfast and willing spirit”?

God is everything I am not: God is love! That is why… and even more than that, He has displayed to me what love is that I might know it and act in it.

1 John 4.9 “By this the love of God is revealed in us: that God has sent his one and only Son into the world so that we may live through him. In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the atoning sacrifice for our sins.”

For me, this is the ultimate verse in scripture: God knows how apathetic I am, and so He lets me know how much

So, I know that I need something put into me so that I want to choose, so that I want to love. And if God has given everything to choose me, why should I be hesitant to ask and receive it, that I might choose Him? And from this place of being sustained by a spirit that wants to obey, that wants to choose, I can live and not just exist.

  • Grace Child

    Since I come from a more conservative camp than some, I have often found myself ashamed to cry out from a place of hypocrisy. Many times I have known clearly that God desired action from me, but the flesh within me simply would not allow this. So after some unavoidable breaking point, I always ended up groveling before the Throne of Grace. “Why do I neglect what I want to do? Why do I do that which I do not want to do? Why must I come to you time and time again crying out for the help to live the True life?” And there in, I found a deeper issue…my pride.
    Who likes to come to God from a place of hypocrisy? Who likes to take on an attitude of humility and contrition? Obvious Answer: None of us. We forget that when we falter and cry out we are coming to a Throne of Grace, not a “throne of self sufficiency.” We may not like to acknowledge our inadequacy, but this is exactly what God requires. Psalm 51:7 (a Psalm I am all too familiar with) says “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.” (New American Standard Bible : 1995 update. 1995 . The Lockman Foundation: LaHabra, CA)
    So here, it is…it IS a sacrifice to ask God to give you the will to choose him – to love Him. But like Neo.vive, I am still learning the result. “…A broken and a contrite heart, O God, You will not despise.” God HAS given everything to choose me, and this verse reminds me that He is more than willing to grant me the will to choose Him. He will not despise a broken hypocrite. Oh that God would grant this recovering Pharisee the will to love in action and not in word alone!

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