Today I feel scattered.
Its one of those days when ideas seem distant, out there in the fog and I am unable to get more than just a glimpse.
Days like this, I feel clumsy and far from life. I feel far from God.
I used to gauge the health of my relationship with Jesus based on how I felt, my emotional state and my ability to dwell on thoughts of him. Day to day, I fluxuate, in part due to my bipolar condition, and in part because I am human. We are all easily tossed by life and effected by our sleep, health, what we eat and drink, and the environment around us. While these things can (and do) effect the quality of the way we walk with Jesus, they do not determine the overall health of the relationship.
Sometimes we just have off days.
During the last supper, Jesus took time to wash the feet of those he was with. It was a servants task that he took upon himself.
Peter had a freak out about it, saying ‘Lord, I won’t let you demean your self like this!’ Jesus responds, ‘Unless you let me do this, your not one of mine.’ So, peter goes for the gusto, ‘In that case, don’t stop at my feet. Here in my head and body too!’
Jesus’ response has been on my mind today, ‘Someone who has already taken a bath only needs there feet washed.’
I hear Jesus telling me to let him was my feet. To let him get rid of the shit and dust that clings to me as I walk around in this broken world. Hear him asking me let him center me on himself. Something that I need (but don’t think I can do right now).
Its not just the pridefull times in our lives that we need to be washed of, times when we willfully follow our own desires instead of trying to live like Jesus. Its the everyday build up of grime and weariness, the clinging stuff from our jobs, our family, friends, our self. Things that we can’t quite shake. The tragedy we head in the news, the way that person treated me, the in effectiveness of our selves in our world. Its our failure to be a good husband, father, friend, the weariness of not enough sleep, days that are too hot or too cold. It is life that we need to let Jesus wash us of so that we don’t get tangled up, strangled by a broken life and a weary world.
We need to be renewed so that we can be a source of life and light to this place we find our self, our friends, family, jobs, our community.
And Jesus is the renewer of life, the cleaner of feet.
So, when I have days like this, days of scattered mind and heart, days when its hard to believe because I am apathetic, days like today… its these days I need to remember I am made right with God because of Jesus, and I am kept fresh in this relationship ( and thus in the world) by this same Jesus: the suffering servant, the giver of life.