I put way WAY too much pressure on my self.
Pressure to get it all right, to be the hero, to impress people… pressure to have all my shit together hidden from everyone else.
It’s a whole lot of heavy pressure to carry around.
It just feels like if I don’t do it right, if I can’t carry the weight I’m going to be a failure… a small person who has nothing to offer anyone… if I can’t do it all I am going to be un-likeable, un-loveable, and un-worth anything.
Like I said, it’s a whole lot of pressure I put on myself.
With this much pressure, cracks start to show, things satart slipping through those cracks, and things fall apart. When things go wrong, they go spectacularly wrong. At least that’s what it feels like. Feels like the world is crashing down and that nothing is ever going to be ok again.
Even though things usually work out.
I have no idea why I put this kind of pressure on my self. I don’t demand perfection from anyone else… in fact I expect flaws from people. I expect people to be imperfect. I try to just accept people and their flaws. But from myself, I’ve got to get it right. Every time.
I’m tired of the expectations I put on myself. I’m tired of not being able to be honest about the real mess I am. I’m not the stronger one, I can’t juggle three side projects, two jobs, family life and still try and be a contributing part of my church community. I can’t make money that isn’t their stretch to cover all our bills. I can’t take care of everything so my wife doesn’t have to ever worry about anything. Hell, I can’t even remember to eat and brush my teeth every day.
And that’s ok.
Like someone said to me this morning, “Don’t sweat it man.”
Sometimes, I’ve got to just let go. No, that’s not right.
Sometimes,I just have to let go. Do what I can with what I have, but I can’t hold so tightly to the need to be perfect. After all, I’m not my own savior.
I need to remember that.
I am not my own savior.
I can’t save myself, solve every problem, always have the energy and stamina to solve everyone’s problems. The world will go on with or without me. Even when I can fix things, it doesn’t change the fact that I am a flawed person, with my own mistakes and failures. And I am still lovable, just like everyone else. My ability and lack their of to carry the weight of the world does nothing to change my value.
I am not the hero.