I told my therapist this week that I wanted to make peace with god. The god I believe in, and the god of my youth. I’ve thought about it for quite some time, and I am filled with trepidation to say the least. I don’t know if I can do it, hell, I don’t know if it’s possible. I know that it won’t come from an outside source, that it has to come from within, and making peace with the higher being I want to believe in should be easy, right? It’s not like it’s the scary man in the sky like when I was a kid. No, the god I want to believe in looks like Morgan Freeman and keeps an eye on me when I screw up royally (that would be a daily thing) and I dunno, watches over me? I’m still not sure what role god plays in my life. I know something is THERE, (and looks like Morgan Freeman) but that’s all I’m really working with at the moment.
The god of my youth, the scary man in the sky with all the doom? That’s another thing altogether. I’m furious with and terrified of that god. How on earth does someone make peace with a being she doesn’t want to believe even exists? Does that even make any sense? Perhaps it’s not god I need to make peace with. Maybe it’s the scared little girl inside of me. That’s the challenge. I have a lot to repent for, according to that little girl. I’m bad, I’m a sinner, I’m evil and wrong and a terrible person. That’s what the god of my youth says to that little girl. That’s what school did to me. I have to make peace with her, let her go, and I think I need MY god, Mr. Freeman, sir, if you please, to help me with that one.
It’s a tall order. I’m still just beginning to work it out in my head. My shrink is thrilled. She’s gung-ho for me to get a semblance of spirituality in my life, even if it’s just ol’ Morgan giving me a wink and a nod from time to time. But getting rid of the scary man with all the doom, that’s what the challenge is going to be. I need to exorcise that god from my life, and to do so, I have to stop being terrified of him.
So how the hell do I do that? Mr. Freeman, you got any ideas?