I am hard pressed to find inspiration these days.
I feel dry, empty, hollow. It’s as if the creative energy that I have had has been spent, and nothing new has come in to fill the void. It is a tired-all-the-time feeling, a non-energized way of going through my days. I feel defeated and deflated.
I shouldn’t though. I mean, there is life happening around me, things that matter. I have a new child, and my first born is growing up fast. I have a beautiful wife who does an amazing job of mothering and keeping our household alive. I am connected with a church that cares about serving others. Advent is coming along with the start of a new church year. I have friends that are full of interest and their own life. There is life happening around me.
There are also issues of justice and compassion in the world that tug at my heart and mind. Issues I feel need to be spoken about, adding to the conversations already happening. Maybe even start some new conversations. There is an interconnection to all of this, an overlapping of issues and lives. This is real life happening.
So why do I feel so un-alive, so dead? Why do I feel so disconnected, isolated? Why am I so empty?
Maybe empty isn’t the right word.
I feel full of ideas and feelings, all of them buried just below the surface, hidden so I know they are there but can’t find them. It’s like I can’t find my way through the canyon I am in to the hill on the other side. It’s like I’m lost, off center, losing my baring.
I can’t see my north star these days.
I forget that I pray better with a pen in my hand. I forget that I need to pray to hear my own heart. I forget that spirituality has always been my way of finding my center, orienting my self to my north star. I forget that Jesus is my north star.
No wonder I feel so uninspired when I forget these things all too easily.
So what do I do, and where do I go?
I don’t really have the answers to these questions, and I’m left feeling alone as I try and re-orient my self around Jesus. All I know is I want to feel alive again, feel inspired.