About how I feel most days...I wonder what people see when they meet me.  What are the first impressions that turn out true?  What surprises people? What do they leave thinking and assuming about my personal stuff, my life?

Earlier this week, my family had a couple of people stay a few nights with us.  I would like to think that these people have become some new friends. They were nice,  gracious guests… and I find my self so insecure about what they left thinking about me. It’s really a baseless insecurity, but it’s there.

At work, I just got moved to a new team with a new supervisor. So what do people think of this new guy? Is my supervisor looking forward to having me,  or am I an expected burden? Again,  all groundless insecurities but still there they are.

My overall desire is that people will end up glad they met me.  If I’m honest,  I do have good things to offer…  but that’s not what I want people to be glad about. I would really like to be respected and someone people want to work with…  but that’s not why I want people to be around me. Don’t get me wrong, I want people to like being around me because they think I’m great, full of great ideas and awesome things to offer others. Heck, if I’m honest (again) I can see that I’m a prideful ass in most of my grabs at attention. “Look at my and how great I am… VALIDATE ME!” Even though this arrogant pride is there, at my core I want people to think well of me for another reason.

As church cliché as it sounds, I want people to see Jesus in me. At the very least, I want them to see someone who longs for Jesus because I know that without him I really am full of bullshit and amount to nothing. I don’t want people to feel evangelized to after meeting me. I don’t want people to feel bludgeoned over the head with Church. I don’t want people to feel weird because I’m obsessed with Jesus. I want people to intersect with me and leave thinking more about Jesus, questioning more, wanting to be like Jesus because they met someone who wants to be like Jesus. I don’t want to be a Jesus douche, but I do want to be a witness with my being… a witness to the hope of humanity… a witness to love.

So, I think about my new friends, about my new team at work, about the people I share life with, my old friends, the people I don’t talk to enough, the people in our church community… I wonder what they think about me. Do they think about Jesus because of me?