Earlier this week, my family had a couple of people stay a few nights with us. I would like to think that these people have become some new friends. They were nice, gracious guests… and I find my self so insecure about what they left thinking about me. It’s really a baseless insecurity, but it’s there.
At work, I just got moved to a new team with a new supervisor. So what do people think of this new guy? Is my supervisor looking forward to having me, or am I an expected burden? Again, all groundless insecurities but still there they are.
My overall desire is that people will end up glad they met me. If I’m honest, I do have good things to offer… but that’s not what I want people to be glad about. I would really like to be respected and someone people want to work with… but that’s not why I want people to be around me. Don’t get me wrong, I want people to like being around me because they think I’m great, full of great ideas and awesome things to offer others. Heck, if I’m honest (again) I can see that I’m a prideful ass in most of my grabs at attention. “Look at my and how great I am… VALIDATE ME!” Even though this arrogant pride is there, at my core I want people to think well of me for another reason.
As church cliché as it sounds, I want people to see Jesus in me. At the very least, I want them to see someone who longs for Jesus because I know that without him I really am full of bullshit and amount to nothing. I don’t want people to feel evangelized to after meeting me. I don’t want people to feel bludgeoned over the head with Church. I don’t want people to feel weird because I’m obsessed with Jesus. I want people to intersect with me and leave thinking more about Jesus, questioning more, wanting to be like Jesus because they met someone who wants to be like Jesus. I don’t want to be a Jesus douche, but I do want to be a witness with my being… a witness to the hope of humanity… a witness to love.
So, I think about my new friends, about my new team at work, about the people I share life with, my old friends, the people I don’t talk to enough, the people in our church community… I wonder what they think about me. Do they think about Jesus because of me?