Tag Archives: Me and my foibles

I’d Rather be Hurley

I’d Rather be Hurley

There was this show on TV called Lost. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Anyways, one of the characters on it was named Ben Linus. He was the leader of the ‘others’, a group of mysterious people that lived on the island before the plane crash happened and these outsiders showed up. He was really manipulative, lying and breaking promises all the time. Constantly in power plays to keep him on top and in charge.

At his core, Ben wanted to be someone special, someone who was worth more to Jacob (the guardian of the island) and to the island it’s self than anyone else. His scheming and lies never really got him that worth though. Even though he was sufficient and had everything he could want (power, money, position, control) he was constantly fighting to keep it or scheming to get more because his life was never truly fulfilled. In the end, everything he thought he had was taken away from him and given to other people. He was left with nothing.

Out of all the characters on Lost, I relate to Ben the most. I’m constantly trying to scheme and figure out how to get all I want, but in the end sufficiency isn’t going to give me the worth, purpose, value, and meaning I’m actually craving deep down. If I had all the money and things I want, all that will make me sufficient, would I be satisfied and fulfilled? No, I wouldn’t. My hunger for worth and meaning can only be filled by God. Then why do I strive, work and (in subtle and not so subtle ways) worship this idea of sufficiency, the idea that I can be/gain enough to fulfill me.

Ben used his belief as a stepping stone to get him sufficiency. When it didn’t work out like he planned, he abandoned his belief and followed another master (the smoke monster)… at least until he could get more power/sufficiency by believing in Jacobs plan again. He was very two faced, doing what suited his desires for the moment. Am I using my belief as a stone to get me something I’m craving, or am I believing, and finding my hunger filled by the Stone the builders rejected, the Bread of life?

These are hard questions to ask myself. They cut to my deepest heart, lay it bare, and show me that I’m not the kind of person I sometimes pretend to be: sufficient, having it under control, in charge of my own existence. These questions show me that I am struggling to prove my self, to hide my weakness from people, and all around self involved as if my personal prestige was what truly mattered. All in all, not the kind of person I really want to be… not the kind of person Jesus wants me to be.

I would rather be Hurley.

Hurley had money, fame, and charisma. The ‘sideways universe’ showed us that if Hurley hadn’t crashed landed on the island, he would have been everything we imagine as successful. Given the same means, power, and sufficiency that Ben Linus had, Hurley lived a much different life than Ben. Where Ben lived and schemed for his own sufficiency, position, and power, Hurley tried to use what he had to enrich others lives.

It is a huge difference of character. Ben kept trying for more; Hurley kept doing for the good of others. Ben built a secret room in his home to keep himself safe and protected; Hurley build a golf course so other people could find some enjoyment and relaxation. Ben wanted control of the island; Hurley reluctantly accepted the guardian position from a self-sacrificing Jack. Ben wanted to be reliant on no one; Hurley asked for help from Ben in protecting the island.

The way that Hurley was so others focused, so not grasping for power and self-reliance, brought about good in others lives. Most notably, Hurley brought about the beginning of redemption in Ben’s life by giving him a purpose and a position, declaring that Ben was indeed needed.

Hurley: “You were a great number two.”

Ben: “You were a great number one.”

Hurley willingly gave Ben the worth he had been looking for, even after all the hurt and destruction Ben’s scheming and striving for self sufficiency had caused.

I may relate to Ben in lots of areas, but I would rather be Hurley. I’d rather be the kind of man that uses what little or lot he has to help others find good and what they are truly looking for. I would rather have the kind of character that Jesus wants me to have.

What about you?

Who do you relate to now? Who would you rather be?

Good Things

Today, I’m thinking about what is good. It is so easy for me (at this time in my life) to become overwhelmed by stress, all the need-to-do’s, discouragement, and general crankiness. It’s so easy for me to forget about what is good. In an effort to combat this forgetfulness, I present a (partial) list ofContinue Reading

My baby has a penis

It’s true. Sarah and I are the proud parents of a baby boy to be born February 11th(ish), 2009. I’m so excited. At the beginning of the pregnancy, I had it in my head that we were going to have a girl. Not sure why, it just felt like it. I was really excited forContinue ReadingContinue Reading

This is Ourselves Under Pressure

I put way WAY too much pressure on my self. Pressure to get it all right, to be the hero, to impress people… pressure to have all my shit together hidden from everyone else. It’s a whole lot of heavy pressure to carry around. It just feels like if I don’t do it right, ifContinue Reading

When did I get all adult?!?

I have spent today working. I didn’t have to punch in anywhere, didn’t have a boss, and didn’t even have to shower (although I did!). Today I was working from home. I was working for my business. That is wired for me to say. I have a business. 100000words is (as of this weekend) aContinue Reading


This picture is proof that my beard is growing, every day, closer and closer to epic status. Charlie, now you can’t deny the truth of my beard! Seriously though, I love my beard.

Sin and Effexor//: what drugs do to my sanctification

I’ve got these two little pills I take every day. One end is gray, the other a very light pink. Each has 37.5mg (edit October 13, 2009) I take one red pill every morning at 7am(ish). It has 150mg of a drug commonly known as Effexor. In early June, I was diagnosed with a moodContinue Reading

doing, having, discipleship, and hope

I’m good at ideas. I can play with ‘em, deconstruct ‘em, pull ‘em, turn ‘em, put ‘em back together, restructure, rephrase, rethink and re-understand them. I’m comfortable in the abstract. Theology comes natural to me, at least the part of theology that deals with Ideas. It’s been a safe have, a shelter, a buffer forContinue Reading

I get confused…

The symptoms of a mood disorder and how they over lap with religious experience really confuses me. Have i really sinned against God and am feeling that separation, or am i just feeling guilty because i feel guilty about everything? is there mountain top experiences to be had, or am i just more manic thatContinue Reading

This Year…

This year, 2008, there are a few things I want to do. I want to read 75-100 books. I got this Idea from  Trevin Wax at Kingdom People. So far, I am off to a good start. I finished The Golden Compass and am working on the rest of Philip Pullman His Dark Materials trilogyContinue Reading


Update 11/12/07: I’m trying. 2837 words so far. I’ve hit kind of a wall with my story. Don’t know if it will be done in this month or not, but at least I’ve started writing!

If a+b, than c.

If a)you read this blog at all and b) have a blog or personal web page of some kind, then c)please add me to your blog roll, if you haven’t already. I am putting forth this shameless plea for the following reasons At some level, I want people to read what I write, inter actContinue Reading


Since moving to Portland three-ish months ago, I have gotten back into the habit of reading. It’s been good to be amid pages of characters, paragraphs exploring ideas, and feeling accomplished at the end of the last page. It has been good to love reading again. The past year or two have been full ofContinue Reading

Friday Photos!

An old type writer and some Black Butte Porter… sounds like a good time to me! Check out the rest of the Friday Photo group on Flickr.

Extra Photo Goodness!!!!

Just because I can, and because I like these shots:  

Friday Photos

I recently was gifted with a Nikon D40 DSLR camera. I’ve been going a bit nuts with the photos. Here are a couple from a trip to Multnomah Falls today. Check out all my shots over on flickr. And be sure to check out the rest of the photo Friday group as well.

A bit more about me:


Writing is hard. It is difficult to discipline your self to sit down and hammer out an abstract idea into paragraphs, stanzas, prose, and the like. It’s difficult because I feel the unseen eyes of judgment from church members, friends, and the unknown public that may read some things and say, “How can you sayContinue Reading

"Be more quiet now…"

I need to listen more. I talk allot, and sometimes (I’m coming to think) that I am in love with my own words. Or, at the very least, I think I am smarter and more insightful then other people. Ya, I said it. Ya, its not a very loving thought to have. But, It’s howContinue Reading

From a rambleing email I just sent…

I just don’t get Americian church any more. We have 40 minuets of cover songs the band rocks out to followed by 40 minuets of seminar type talk telling us how good our life can be if we just follow the formula of scripture. Where is Jesus in all this? About two years ago, IContinue Reading

Ramblings to kick start my right brain lobe.

I feel so under-creative right now, it’s almost laughable. Here I sit, imbibing the goodness of a local coffee shop, listening to some good tunes, and trying desperatly to write a “script” for a stations of the cross experience happening on good Friday. Even with deadlines my creative spark remains under a basket, or possiblyContinue Reading

Lord, hear our prayers.

The reality of the Christian life is a hard one. We find the wrestling with the dead, old man to be quite a tiresome, life consuming event, yet we long to be consumed by the person of Jesus, the life of the Holy Ghost, and the power of the Father at work in and throughContinue Reading

So, how was your day?

Stuff like this always seems to happen to me. I just started a new job, have allot going on with the church plant I am working on, and I get into an accident. I don’t know how much it will be to repair the car (if it’s even worth fixing that is), but it’s fundsContinue Reading

Letting go

I am tired of holding back. This season of silence has been a time of stripping, much like Edmond at the pool.There has been allot of unrest, yearning for my home, change, and uncertainty… and in it all I have been reminded what makes me a savage. I remember a few years ago, after IContinue Reading

My silence

Writing has been difficult for me lately. It’s not that I haven’t desired to… but every time I sit to put pen to paper (so to speak) I feel my that my well of thoughts and words has become empty and dry, as a desert stream in the hot August days. So I have keptContinue Reading